Ugh. Ballet.

The ballet world is hard. Frustrating. Difficult. And I have known DSC09613this from day 1 of trying to navigate my way through it. But the hardest part is when the positive, happy parts are pulled away from you. The ballet world can also be freeing. Emotional. And full of love and spark and happiness. Currently I am not feeling the good aspects and have unfortunately not felt them for quite some time. I have thought about what is best for my body as well as my soul and have come to a decision. Although this probably seems minimal to most, for me, someone who has always been dancing and taking full advantage of classes when not injured, this is quite big: I will be taking a break…not a long break, but long enough.

As many people know my 2015-2016 season did not end on a good note. There were tears. There was anger. There were many unpleasant experiences. This led me to head out to a few auditions around the Twin Cities area and out on the East Coast. My travels were fun. All of the classes were learning experiences.But I still have no plans. I received a few ‘no’s, a few ‘maybe’s and I have turned down 1 offer all together. Right now I am holding out for the maybe’s to follow through and I will possibly attend a 3 week summer intensive on 1/2 scholarship on the West Coast (If I do so I would be evaluated for an apprenticeship for next season). This being said I still have no plan for next season. I have nothing motivating me to stay in shape and search for my passion. Nothing set in stone. I have nothing pushing me at all.

IMG_2218The past month has been filled with classes…and then breaks…and then more classes…and then another break. Usually when I take a break from ballet I feel it inside. I miss it. I struggle with other parts of my life because I don’t have the release of dance to get me through. But these have felt different. When I return to classes I feel in pain (physically and emotionally), defeated and just not how I wish to feel when I finish a class. I know that this is not right so I will be stepping away for a few weeks. If I feel drawn to go to class I will go, but my current plan is to just say no. Rest my mind, body and soul and hopefully return feeling refreshed, driven and ready for whatever comes my way.


Praise Be To God!

This morning I awoke to the sun shining bright into my room, the breeze blowing my curtains and birds chirping outside my open window. I woke up knowing that it could be a good day! Last night was a tough night for me, filled with tears, self doubt and self criticism, but I woke up with plans to go to church and fill that void inside of me.

As I sat in the sanctuary this morning and looked around me during the first song, at 11am contemporary worship, I realized how many people were sitting in the pews. There were probably 120 adults and 45 or so kids who would soon be off to Sunday School following the children’s mIMG_6804essage. Yet, I was 1 of about 8 people in that church who were college age. Eight people. That was it. Everyone else looked to be between the ages of 30 and 75. Why is that? Why weren’t there more college age students in service this morning? Is it because so many people were hungover? Or do people my age just not seek out their faith at this point in their lives? One can not complain that 11am is too early to be out of bed. One can not complain that there aren’t enough churches in the area to find one that best suits your preferences. I’m just stumped. I know that I do not attend church as regularly as I should or as regularly as I would like, (I have only been 8 times so far this year, so no, I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal above others my age, it just got me thinking). Life gets in the way sometimes. I understand that. But I also know that whenever I do attend, I leave feeling at peace. I feel a little bit more whole again. Things seem to make a little bit more sense in my life, and somehow the sermon always speaks to me on a personal level.

I am so thankful to have my faith and a loving God to lean on when times get tough. “The Holy Spirit is alive and well in everyone around us. Whether we IMG_6806are seeking out the Lord or not, He is present and guiding us.” -Pastor Katherine Nycklemoe (St. Stephen Lutheran Church, Bloomington). Life is tough. Life is confusing. Life is scary. God is loving. God is kind. God is always there. When life makes absolutely no sense I know that I always have my faith to turn to. “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans” -Proverbs 16:3.

I am grateful to have found a little home at St. Stephen Lutheran Church. It only took me 2 weeks trying other churches to happen upon this one. It is a safe place. It is a comfort zone. Everyone has bIMG_6805een so kind and inviting that I feel so full when I am there. I just hope that anyone else out there who is actively seeking out their faith, like I am, has the opportunities to find somewhere that makes them feel the same way.  Life is kicking my butt right now, for reasons that I am unaware of, but I know that the Lord has a plan and if I put my full trust in Him, He will guide me to what is meant to be. I may not understand why I am on this path right now, but sometime later on in life it will all make sense. I will look back on this time and be thankful for the hard times, the good times and everything in between.

Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You’re my God
Altogether lovely, altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

— Hillsong “Here I Am To Worship” —

Quarter Year Reviews

I swear I was just ringing in the New Year, and now it’s already April! 2016 is flying by…and based on how it has begun, I am really hoping for a better 3/4 of the year…

2015 was a year full of positivity,  new experiences and adventures, and so many great people that I went into 2016 expecting even bigger and better things. Unfortunately though, 2016 thus far has been filled witimage15h a lot of negativity, anxiety, depression, and the loss of many important things around me. I lost one of the most supportive people in my life, I lost my job unexpectedly, I’ve lost some friends and at the end of some days I have lost my sanity. The past couple of months were filled with so much stress and drama, that I swear I could’ve been the main character on a soap opera…but no, that was just my day to day life. Between work and getting absolutely zero sleep I relied on coffee and music to get me through each days struggles. Don’t get me wrong there were ups to the downs, but there just seemed to be so. many. downs.

I try and lead my life with positive vibes, happy thoughts aProcessed with VSCO with b5 presetnd a love towards others. But eventually when you’re not getting that in return it proves challenging. Life is always chaotic, and one will always hear negative feedback and dislike from various individuals around them…I do know that, but when that becomes your everyday life? What is one to do? Aside from putting my full trust in the Lord there really is not much to get me from one day to the next sometimes. I am thankful for the friends that have uplifted me and my family who is always loving and kind. Aside from that I can’t say I have much else to hold on to and one just has to become okay with that, I guess.

January brought loss and sadness. February brought depression and confusion. March brought stress, anxiety and frustration.But I am thankful that so far April has brought new friendships, new job opportunities and an overall feeling of love and joy! At the end of March/beginning of April I went job hunting on the East Coast. I packed my bags and went on a 65 hour solo triProcessed with VSCO with c1 presetp to places I had never been, auditioning for companies I had never seen and surrounding myself with people I had never met. It was an adventure, let me tell you! Stressful? Of course, but overall I had a very good time! The upcoming months will of course continue to be stressful, but I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. As I continue to search for a job for next year I would appreciate anyone’s and everyone’s thoughts and prayers. This is a crazy time for me as I like to know what’s coming in the future (even if it changes last minute at least I tend to have a plan). This is the first time in a long time though that what lies ahead is completely uncertain. I don’t have anything lined up and that is scary. When you assume you have at least one solid, steady (not necessarily ideal…but at least it’s there) option and it’s taken away from you with zero warning? What’s one to do?

Although 2016 has begun a little rocky, I am holding out for the rest of the year! I know that there are great things waiting and I know that at the end of every day I feel so much love from those around me ❤

–I am also grateful for a continued outlet of photography. Since I can’t spend late nights alone in a dance studio at this time I am happy to take and edit pictures in its place–