The ballet world is hard. Frustrating. Difficult. And I have known this from day 1 of trying to navigate my way through it. But the hardest part is when the positive, happy parts are pulled away from you. The ballet world can also be freeing. Emotional. And full of love and spark and happiness. Currently I am not feeling the good aspects and have unfortunately not felt them for quite some time. I have thought about what is best for my body as well as my soul and have come to a decision. Although this probably seems minimal to most, for me, someone who has always been dancing and taking full advantage of classes when not injured, this is quite big: I will be taking a break…not a long break, but long enough.
As many people know my 2015-2016 season did not end on a good note. There were tears. There was anger. There were many unpleasant experiences. This led me to head out to a few auditions around the Twin Cities area and out on the East Coast. My travels were fun. All of the classes were learning experiences.But I still have no plans. I received a few ‘no’s, a few ‘maybe’s and I have turned down 1 offer all together. Right now I am holding out for the maybe’s to follow through and I will possibly attend a 3 week summer intensive on 1/2 scholarship on the West Coast (If I do so I would be evaluated for an apprenticeship for next season). This being said I still have no plan for next season. I have nothing motivating me to stay in shape and search for my passion. Nothing set in stone. I have nothing pushing me at all.
The past month has been filled with classes…and then breaks…and then more classes…and then another break. Usually when I take a break from ballet I feel it inside. I miss it. I struggle with other parts of my life because I don’t have the release of dance to get me through. But these have felt different. When I return to classes I feel in pain (physically and emotionally), defeated and just not how I wish to feel when I finish a class. I know that this is not right so I will be stepping away for a few weeks. If I feel drawn to go to class I will go, but my current plan is to just say no. Rest my mind, body and soul and hopefully return feeling refreshed, driven and ready for whatever comes my way.